Doubt

I greet you with a sense of accomplishment. An accomplishment of having made my way to this forsaken pedestal that we call a stage, to be pried open in the eyes of the audience, to be drunk in by ears. Truth is, most of what I'm saying is untrue. 

Who am I? The audiences asks me. 

Who am I? I ask myself.  

A simple molecule of thought stirs, trying to answer that relentless question because the rest of me does not want it. Who is this man that dares to stand before you this day is not the question, nor would it be the answer. The answer of your fears is more complicated than that. The answer, to the demons crawling beneath your feet as you watch me, 

eyes 

on 

me! 

The deception upon you that I lay with a seemingly friendly face of warmth and innocence, the way my words pour sweet honey down your ears, the question here, is why?  

As the monsters of your nightmares reach out now to touch your unsuspecting faces, I say ask yourself, why! The shell of mortality that you now inhabit screams for you to stop lying, stop deceiving yourself, why have you come to the point where you doubt your own words? 

As I stand before the mirror I say nay to the demons, nay to the fears and thrice nay to doubt for I am me, as full as can be, as complete as can be, as free as can be.  

I hear mother calling. It must be time for me to step away from the forsaken pedestal I call a stage, away from my own judgemental, prying eyes, away from this mirror. I may yet learn to love myself again, yet first I must fight these demons that make me doubt. 

We

She. 

It was initially a song to me, a mantra to recite under my breath as a testament to angels that walked amongst us. I am not a perfect man, far from it. My flaws drown out my contribution to society, but then again, that's my opinion. 

It was initially a far-fetched dream for me, a hope to keep alive when all was blue and living was a fuss. I am not a strong man, yet I think she saw it. She saw the glint in my eye that gave away that I could love again, that it was an option.

It was an epiphany for me, when she slowly walked into my life, how her bright young eyes threw up a ruckus. It was her perfect hair, her smile that really hit. I saw an angel incarnate that walked my way showing me I could be whole again, and I thought she'd run.

It was a love as old as time for me, a harmony of existences without strife, coming together to sing a song of the cosmos. I am not alone anymore, she gave me back my magic. The way her smile lit up her face when I tell her she's beautiful, she is brighter than the sun.

It is now a goal worth living for, to me, a future I can bring about in my life, keeping my love tender and without loss. I wish to belong to her, if she would take my heart and keep it. She was the reason for my rhyme, as my poetry tried but in vain to show her we are not two, but one.

We.

Between Land and Sea

Eternity. How would you describe it?

Lights were bright that dark evening, dancing in her brown irises that made his heart race. She was the ocean; her soul was deep and full of life, a deep-seated sense of quiet that has the potential to move nations. He knew she was bound by strings she herself weaved into ropes and then linked into chains, and for some reason, he knew he was the only hammer that could break her free.

Forever. What was forever to a single soul?

Her hands were soft and welcoming, yet she would squeeze her palms to tell him she loved him. Her smile was one of soft hesitation, but her lips parted every time to tell him she loved him. Her arms would try to push him yet her hands found refuge and solace all over his face and his back to tell him she loved him. She never uttered the words, but she would give him a silent kiss and an escaping sigh to tell him she loved him. 

Always. Was always just a synonym to repetition?

He knew their love was sudden yet borne out of eons of patient waiting of the universe to finally converge and complete itself. Like the meeting of the land and sea, they were together irrefutable and undeniable. Their passion was the storms that beat upon cliffs, like the rivers that carved grooves in the land in an embrace of millennia. She found root in him, he knew she did, but like the tides she slowly pulled her hands away every now and then, only to come back again. 

Gently loving, gently touching, gently kissing. Coexisting.

While he was stationary, she had traversed miles upon miles. Her past made her passions tender and raw, unsure yet of which coast her waves would settle upon. And so, as the universe had set the precedent for him, he would wait too. Her final embrace before she went on her pilgrimage of self-discovery was long and warm, a fire akin to the volcanoes that had shaped him before her arrival. He watched her walk away, her artistically curved hips tracing a rhythm of love in the air. He longed for her, but he knew he would wait.

He knew that, her love, if he was worthy of it, would be 

eternal, 

forever and 

always.

Blue Funk - 3

So we come to the point where my music picks a dance. A dance of souls, me, with my ever breaking heart and her with that eternal presence that brings me to my knees in prayer. A dance of hearts, showing vestiges of love never before exposed, a wonderment of words. Yes, a dance, a tango, a salsa of words, as she wrote with me.

Her...

Your island

Is a cluster of clouds which 

Dreams descend on 

From your god-like eyes

Me...

Your heart

Resembles the water and the life within

Deep and full yet rich and dark 

That forever will catch me by surprise 

Am I diving too deep as she slowly opens her well of affection for me? Am I going in unbidden into her world that she guards in hopes to never get hurt again? I don't want to be a source of hurt, I want to be her solace, her serenity. She replies.

Her...

Your touch of emotions

Caresses me in ways I can't handle

Like the rain drops on glass

You see through me, but you really want to seep through me

I can't hold back, I can't stay away again. The way she speaks through her smile makes me die a little inside in my craving. I reply.

Me...

Your eyes of deep hazel 

Betray an innocence that wants to be real again 

Like the warmth in the cold of the rain 

You would say no, but you know yes is what you would need

In the blue funk she first walked in, she turns to leave. Her hesitance all but keeps my fragile heart from breaking as I choke back my tears, did I say something wrong? Broken is my middle ground, my motto and my resolution, but would she break me more? 

No she did not. 

In a rush, she wraps her arms around me as she whispers,

Your eyes speak wonders of the deep waters 

They flow with high currents 

Waiting to dip on my shores 

Your love

You have anchored hope on me

And I can not move it 

You'll always be the gentle strength in me.

I wake up from the dream that kept me sane in my lonely reality. She was my reality, she was my reason to rhyme. As the blues and funk odyssey sounded from my headphones while I type this, my mind spews out my message, my prayer.

I shy away from the sun now, the glare it's too strong to stay me, 

I leave myself in this moment now, a true sense of serenity, 

The shade it'd save me from myself now, lest I burn and end up less than me, 

I snuggle into your loving arms now, this is where I belong and where I shall be.

Why doth you forsake me?

Blue Funk - 2

But it still breaks me apart.

 

I don't know what I want in this crazy, large and stormy world. I am in a sea of my own undoing, wondering hard and wondering long whether my next move would bring pain or suffering to the people I think I care about. I think I care about them, because their smiles, their tears, their gazes mean the world to me. Is that what care really feels like?

Shaken down to the core of my understanding, I sit myself down and reevaluate my happiness and my centre of being; my serenity. I have lived thinking that all that made me happy was the happiness of those around me, but when their actions bring me pain, who am I to blame? Oh, would it all be the same? Is my life an eternal game? 

Eternal as it will always be this way. 

My end when it comes would be an end to my name. 

Beyond that moment, I will not know pleasure, confusion or pain. 

If only my mind would forever stay sane. 

Would this all turn out okay?

I ramble as I watch her, eyes on her, waltzing in my mind. She has more than one face, which leaves me in a daze, a simple yet elaborate craze of emotions fueled and fiery like the need to get out of an eternal maze. I touch my face, wondering if my smile was still there, would I ever reach there, my hands grasp at a void that was created when I decided not to care.

Yet the blue funk drowns me in my own undoing, the sweet music that played as I pressed START and entered my own mind, my own game, a game of no return;

A shameful way to end my choices made.

Why doth you forsake me.

Blue Funk - 1

Shaken down to the core of my understanding, I watched as my life unfolded in the existence of a third person, another me, taking over me and all I held dear. 

I watched from the back seat of my Cadillac of a mind, firing on all pistons, trying hard to catch up with the tempests that hit me again, again, again. Heaven forbid I wake up now and take over the wheel; I'd rather not have control again, this feeling of finally letting go of the reins of this torrential existence a sweet, sweet serenity. Broken shards of my reflection look back, asking me why I'd let my efforts go in vain, but were they really in vain? 

No, I just wanted to make a change. 

When she waltzed by in the blue funk that enthralled me and my consciousness, I knew. I knew that the tempest was only getting stronger. 

I knew my life has only begun.